


Inhale. Exhale.

by bane_xo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9150199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bane_xo/pseuds/bane_xo
Summary: The water was relentless. Powerful. Scary. Peaceful. Loving. Cold. Soft. It was everything. Hinata inhaled. He was nothing. Hinata exhaled. He’d be just another tombstone. He’d be just another coffin. Thousands of people died every day. Hinata was nothing special. Everyone had the same fate in the end. There was nothing in this world for him any more. Hinata wanted to reach that deep river. He wanted to fall underneath the ice, have an eternal sleep. He wanted someone to take the pain away.“Dear God, just make it stop,” Hinata whispered into the rough winds that didn’t carry his voice anywhere. The wish died the moment it left Hinata’s lips.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write differently. This story has been with me for half a year now. It has been an outlet for me. I feel like now that I've finished this, I might be able to continue my life. It felt right to publish this on 01/01/2017. For new beginnings.
> 
> As mentioned in the tags, this is pretty heavy.  
> If you are feeling depressed or you have suicidal thoughts, I would advise to proceed with caution.  
> If you are experiencing these things, you are never alone.  
> We are everywhere.  
> Reach out.  
> You are being loved.
> 
> Now, I hope you enjoy the story of "Inhale. Exhale".

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale... Exhale. Hinata Shouyou stared into the blackness below him. What would happen if he drowned? Would it hurt? Would he just fall sleep, feeling heaviness in his chest? What was it like? Inhale. Exhale. Darkness inside his head. Darkness no one could see. Inhale. Would he hold his breath or just let it go? Exhale. Would he fight it? Hinata did not know the answers to all of those questions. He would just sit here, on the railing of this wooden bridge and stare into the abyss. During spring. During summer. During autumn. During winter. Puff of cold air escaped his lips. During winter the water was always blacker. More inviting.

Maybe he should get home. Hinata carefully lowered himself from the railing. Snow scrunched under his small feet as he walked towards his home. It was dark. The white snow was giving a pale glow to everything around him. Stars weren’t out tonight. It was cloudy. Small snowflakes fell down to the ground and Hinata stopped at the red light. The redness was out of place in the pale glow. It irked him. The light turning into green wasn’t much better. He crossed the road, slowly reaching his home. Lights were not on. Hinata could see that much.

The door creaked a little as he opened it. He came inside as quietly as he could. Hinata shed his coat, mittens and hat, slipping out of his winter boots. It was freezing inside. The house was quiet, spare for the faint snoring coming from the living room. He walked around quietly, deciding to close the window in the living room. It was already cold without their heat on. His father did not need to get snow inside too. Hinata tiptoed, evading bottles littering the floor. The window luckily did not creak, unlike their front door.

Once Hinata was in the safety of his own room, he locked the door and closed with a quiet thump. He rubbed his hands together and sat down on his bed. It was dark. It was cold. It was quiet. It was suffocating. Hinata buried his head into his knees and wrapped is hands around his legs. Inhale. Exhale. He even out his breathing, trying to find something to hang onto. But he couldn’t see anything in the darkness. He didn’t have strength to look for anything. So he just fell down to his bed and cried until the morning sun peeked through his blinds.

It wasn’t like Hinata had slept, but the banging on his door still made him wake up to the reality. He carefully slipped out of the bed and opened the door for his father. “Dad?” he asked quietly, not wanting to agitate him in case he wasn’t sober. Hinata highly suspected he was not in fact sober right now, because the question he asked made Hinata’s blood run cold.

“Where’s Natsu?”

Hinata closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears spilling. He opened them again and looked into his father’s tired eyes. They were all tired. “Dad. Natsu’s not with us any more,” he whispered, afraid that something might break if he talked any louder. Hinata licked his lips that were chapped for staying out late for weeks now. The winter was long. It was like it was never going to end. “She’s gone.”

“When is she coming... home?”

This was something no one should ever have to go through. Being a parent to your own father or mother. It was draining Hinata. Inhale. “She’s not coming home, dad. Get some sleep,” Hinata said quietly, ready to close his door now. Exhale. He wasn’t equipped for this kind of conversation. “Mom is going to get mad,” Hinata reminded, trying to sound reprimanding, but failing miserably at his job. “Please.”

The figure disappeared from the doorway. Hinata closed the door and fell against it. Exhaustion finally took over and he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

“Why do you waste your time writing poems?”

Hinata wanted to wince when his notebook fell on the kitchen table. They were all having a dinner together. Father. Mother. Hinata. It was one of the worst parts of his entire week. Family dinners. He did not know how to answer to his mother. She was still wearing black. His father was only slightly tipsy. Hinata stared at his plate, not really having an appetite. “Why do you even have that?” he asked quietly, not appreciating how his mother just violated his privacy like that.

His mother gave Hinata the strongest glare she could muster. “I asked why do you keep writing those poems,” she said slowly, eating the vegetables on her plate one by one. It was awfully precise. Like she was a robot. It made Hinata’s stomach squirm in an extremely uncomfortable way. Should he tell her the truth about why he wrote all those poems? That he was incredibly sad? That he needed an outlet?

“I don’t know.”

“Well whatever your reason is, you should stop,” she said, taking the notebook and throwing it into the trash bin. When she was done, she sat back down with a small smile on her face. “Natsu-chan would not like those poems,” his mother added. Hinata wanted to throw up. Inhale. Exhale.

 

* * *

 

Hinata was sitting on the bridge again, staring into the blackness. His mother had left on a business trip yesterday evening. Hinata hoped she wouldn’t come back. Hinata hoped he might be the one gone before she came back. Hinata didn’t want to go home any more. He was so tired, but the sleeping didn’t help even if he managed to get some shut-eye every now and then. He didn’t go to school any more. The Principal had called many times. It just wasn’t working out for him any longer. Nothing was working out for him.

He leaned towards the half-frozen, black water, that was still insistent on flowing. The water was relentless. Powerful. Scary. Peaceful. Loving. Cold. Soft. It was everything. Hinata inhaled. He was nothing. Hinata exhaled. He’d be just another tombstone. He’d be just another coffin. Thousands of people died every day. Hinata was nothing special. Everyone had the same fate in the end. There was nothing in this world for him any more. Hinata wanted to reach that deep river. He wanted to fall underneath the ice, have an eternal sleep. He wanted someone to take the pain away.

“Dear God, just make it stop,” Hinata whispered into the rough winds that didn’t carry his voice anywhere. The wish died the moment it left Hinata’s lips. Nothing came to stop him. Nothing would stop him. He leaned further, entranced by the blackness below him.

“You’re not going to fall down, are you?”

Hinata jerked back as if something had burned him. He saw a dark-haired male standing few feet away from him. He was staring at Hinata. It was getting dark, so it was hard to try and guess his age. “No,” Hinata simply said, deciding not to look at the stranger any longer. It didn’t matter. He felt irritated at the stranger. All of a sudden he didn’t feel like jumping into the blackness after all. The snow crunched under the stranger’s feet as he came closer. Hinata knew. The stranger was afraid he would actually jump.

“I don’t trust that statement,” the stranger said. His voice was smooth. It also had a tinge of roughness to it. Underlying concern. He was young, Hinata could tell. Maybe around his age. Everything was quiet again. Except for the wind that was still biting Hinata’s cheeks. Maybe if he just stayed here, Jack Frost would kill him with hypothermia. “Do... Do you have someone close to you I could call?”

“No,” Hinata blurted out and turned around to look at this stranger properly. Dark blue eyes. Dark hair that was covered with a white beanie. Deep blue scarf wrapped around his neck and face. Hinata then realized that he had actually told him the truth. There was no one. Mom was away. Natsu was gone. Dad was probably drunk and wouldn’t even pick up his phone at this hour. He sighed quietly. “Leave me alone.”

He could easily hear the frustrated sigh that left the stranger’s mouth. It made him smirk a little. The stranger would leave. He would get annoyed, give up and leave. Hinata was satisfied with himself when he heard the snow crunch again. The stranger was leaving. Hinata was wrong. The stranger sat on the railing, right next to him. “What’s your name?” he asked, trying to hit up a conversation with Hinata. Hinata was beyond annoyed. So he didn’t answer. He decided not to even look at the stranger any more. “Fuck off,” Hinata finally said, when the stranger didn’t leave. Why wouldn’t he just go!?

“I’m Kageyama Tobio,” the stranger started talking. Hinata didn’t take him for a type to talk a lot. He was kind of right about that. Kageyama Tobio did talk a lot, but it seemed like he was a little bit uncomfortable talking about himself. Hinata now knew that Kageyama liked volleyball. He knew that Kageyama lived on the other side of the river with his parents. They watched ‘How I Met Your Mother’ every Friday as a family. Kageyama also had a lot of friends. He learned about Nishinoya, Tanaka, Sawamura, Asahi and Sugawara. Hinata realized that they went to same school, but Kageyama had transferred here only two months ago. That was why neither of them recognized each other. Hinata didn’t say it out loud though. He also learned that Kageyama wasn’t very good at school, but he still passed his classes. He also had a cat.

Hinata did not understand. Why did any of this matter? Why did Kageyama tell him all this? He wanted to ask, but he didn’t dare. He had a feeling he would not have liked the answer. Kageyama talked some more. He talked about his childhood. He talked about his old home town. Kageyama also told about his new neighbour that tried to plant carrots in winter. She was eighty-five years old. Hinata smiled a little at that. Then Kageyama stopped talking. “Do you live near this river?” Kageyama asked suddenly. It was a question Hinata had no intention to answer.

Hinata climbed down from the railing and stood steadily on the snow. He didn’t say anything as he started to walk away. Kageyama didn’t follow him. But he felt eyes on his back, like the stranger was making sure Hinata wasn’t suddenly going to leap for the river. “Are you going to be okay?” he heard Kageyama ask a little bit louder, just so that Hinata could hear.

“Yeah,” Hinata lied and disappeared into the darkness.

 

* * *

 

Kageyama was always at the bridge when the evening was rolling in. Hinata would be there. He would sit there like he always did, wanting to jump into the icy water. Then Kageyama would come and erase those murky thoughts from his head. It was like a magic trick. Kageyama had always something new to tell him. He told Hinata how Nishinoya had mastered his new ‘Rolling Thunder’ move that had something to do with making sure the volleyball did not hit the ground. Kageyama told how his two seniors, Sugawara and Sawamura, were both disgustingly in love, but neither of them realized it yet.

He told Hinata about Tsukishima who was so annoying Kageyama wanted to re-arrange his face. Kageyama told Tsukishima was taller than him. Hinata never answered any of his questions. He never asked Hinata about his family. Maybe Kageyama already knew who he was. Rumours were annoying. Hinata hated them. Did Kageyama pity him? Did he know? Did he know that his parents were unable to pay for her sister’s medical bills? Did he know that his parents were in debts? Hinata bit his lip. He didn’t need Kageyama’s pity.

“When are you going to tell me your name?” Kageyama asked after they spent few minutes in silence. “I won’t lie. I tried to ask about you in school, but it feels as if you’re a ghost,” he whispered as if he was questioning his very own sanity. Hinata almost felt bad for him. Maybe everything was better this way. No one would miss him if he left the world today. Kageyama wouldn’t even know he was dead because he didn’t know his name. Apparently no one in the school couldn’t remember him either. Hinata didn’t blame them. He was after all, nothing special. “Why are you so insistent on dying?” Kageyama whispered, more to himself than Hinata.

Hinata turned his head to look at Kageyama for few lousy seconds until he turned to look at the water again. “Why do you keep coming here?” Hinata asked quietly. It was the first time he had talked to Kageyama since Hinata had told him he was going to be fine. He wanted to know why someone bothered to come here every night. He wanted to know why Kageyama didn’t leave until he was gone. People passed that river every day. No one had ever stopped and talked to him, not even a one word. Yet, here was Kageyama fucking Tobio, who kept coming here.

“Because I care,” Kageyama said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hinata wanted to laugh. To mock him. A stranger cared about him? It was the funniest thing he had heard in years. But Hinata didn’t laugh. He just pursed his lips and stayed silent again. Kageyama started talking again. He told a story about his cat. The cat was the nicest thing Hinata could imagine. He felt like he needed a cat. It was a stupid idea. He was going to die anyway.

When it was Hinata’s time to go home, Kageyama followed him just for a little. Maybe six meters. Then Hinata walked home in the darkness.

 

* * *

 

One day Kageyama didn’t come. Hinata felt betrayed. They had fallen into this pattern so easily. The pattern hadn’t been broken in three weeks. It was broken now. Hinata didn’t sit on the railing this time. He leaned against it. This was probably for the best. Hinata looked around. It was a Sunday evening. No one was around. Hinata heaved himself on to the railing. It was slippery from the ice and snow. Did he have regrets? Many. Hinata furrowed his eyebrows when a mental picture of Kageyama flashed in his mind. It didn’t matter. He didn’t even know Hinata’s name. None of this mattered. Kageyama didn’t matter. His mother didn’t matter. His father didn’t matter. Natsu was already gone. He didn’t have anyone he needed to look after. Inhale. Exhale. Hinata was ready. It was going to happen today. Inhale. He leaned backwards. Exhale. Hinata fell into the icy water and the world started to turn black. He was so, so tired. Finally. Peace.

Something dragged him out of the water. There were more than one pair of hands. Hinata could faintly hear a soft, calming voice, accompanied by the familiar rough and smooth voice. They were talking about taking him somewhere. Hinata was cold. He felt his entire body shivering. Something was covering his body from the blizzard and strong arms lifted him up from the snow. He finally fell asleep.

The next time he woke up, imagining that this was exactly what heaven must have felt like. It was warm and bright. He could hear flames crackling on his right. What Hinata did not expect was silvery hair and hazel coloured eyes a little away from him the moment he woke up. He was not dead after all, wasn’t he? He could hear muffled voices coming from somewhere else. Maybe a television. Hinata inhaled sharply, and the stranger turned to look at him with worried eyes. It wasn’t right. Why was someone so worried about him?

“Daichi, get some warm milk, he’s awake,” the stranger called softly. Hinata groaned quietly. Where was he? He did not know these people. The silvery haired stranger, apparently Suga, as this Daichi person had called him, gently felt for his forehead and helped him to sit up. “You’re probably very confused,” Sugawara softly said after Hinata had sipped from the warm milk. It felt delightful, Hinata couldn’t argue with that. “I’m Sugawara Koushi and this person here is Sawamura Daichi,” he introduced and pointed at the familiar person sleeping on the couch. “You already know Kageyama-kun.”

Hinata carefully looked at the clothes he was wearing. They were not his. Someone had changed him into dry clothes. Hinata looked around in the living room. He was lying down on a soft futon, just close enough to the fireplace. Hinata could barely feel the heat from it. “We saw you jump,” Daichi suddenly said, trying to keep his voice down. “And we took you to Suga’s home, since it was the closest. Suga’s parents are out of town... Kageyama thought it might not be the best idea to call your parents.”

What was Hinata supposed to say? Thank you for ruining my suicide mission. Thank you for not letting me die. Thank you for making my life miserable again. He didn’t want to burden anyone, yet he had done it once again. “Sorry to bother you,” Hinata finally rasped out. Sugawara looked so sad, Hinata wanted to take it all back and say something nicer. “Kageyama-kun wanted us to meet you today,” Sugawara said quietly, furrowing his eyebrows just a little. “Our practice took longer than usual and we were running late,” he explained, looking at the clock on the wall that was showing 3:32. Sugawara sighed heavily. “We should be sorry for being late.”

Daichi shared a pained look with Sugawara. “Suga, maybe we should sleep a little too. You’re exhausted,” Daichi said, helping Sugawara up from the floor. Hinata watched Suga raise up from his knees and he almost grimaced at how painful it looked. How long had Sugawara sat there? Hinata’s guilt only worsened by watching Suga smile at him softly. “Try to sleep a little,” Suga said, disappearing from the living room with Daichi. Sleep, huh?

When the morning rolled in, Hinata noticed that he had slept solid five hours. It was more sleep than he was used to. He also felt that someone was staring at him very intently. Kageyama. From the moment he opened his eyes, he was assaulted by Kageyama, verbally. “What the fuck were you thinking, you dumbass!? You could have died! If we had come seconds later, we wouldn’t have even noticed you had fell!” he yelled. Hinata had to wince from the volume of his voice. It was too loud. Kageyama seemed to notice and he looked guilty for just a few seconds. Until he was pissed again. “I told you I care. I actually enjoyed sitting with you every single day,” he said in a more quiet tone, mindful of Hinata. “I never forced you to tell me anything. Why? I thought we were friends. Even though you still haven’t told me your name. I consider you as... a friend.”

“Shouyou,” Hinata quietly mumbled, trying to avoid looking into Kageyama’s eyes. He could still see how Kageyama’s eyes lit up from his name. “Hinata Shouyou,” he whispered, afraid that he would fall in pieces by saying his entire name. Kageyama looked eager. Eager to know more about Hinata, but Hinata did not feel like it just yet. Maybe Kageyama would never get more than just his name. But for now, it seemed like it was enough for him.

 

* * *

 

“Merry Christmas,” Kageyama said, giving a meat bun to Hinata. He was charmed by the taste. It was so warm in the crispy winter air. It also warmed up his bare fingers. And his chest. The stomach. Kageyama told him how the third years would sometimes buy those buns for first years after practice. It was a nice gesture from Kageyama. Hinata thought back to Sugawara and Sawamura. They seemed to act like parents. It made Hinata smile just a little. This meat bun was going to be his only Christmas present.

“Why do you keep coming back here?”

Hinata turned his head towards Kageyama, who looked... was that sadness in his eyes? Hinata looked away to the black water. He didn’t know why he came back here every single day. It was not like he was going to jump down any more. He had been scared at the end of everything. He had been afraid to leave Kageyama behind. And now Kageyama knew his name. Sugawara knew his name. Sawamura knew his name. They would know if he was suddenly gone. “I don’t know,” he finally answered softly. Hinata flexed his fingers. It was cold. “There’s nothing for me at home.”

Kageyama was staring at his bare fingers. Hinata knew that. He could see the concern in his blue eyes. “Do you want to come to my place?” Kageyama suddenly asked. The question came out so fast, Hinata wasn’t sure if Kageyama really meant that. There was a long pause until Kageyama decided to continue. “We can play video games, if you want.”

Hinata didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to see Kageyama’s parents. He didn’t want to see how happy Kageyama was with his parents. He didn’t want to see a happy family, just to be reminded how broken his family was. “Maybe another time,” Hinata whispered, feeling his throat constrict. It was as if he couldn’t breathe. Every joint and muscle in his body was aching as he decided to head home.

Kageyama followed few steps behind him like he usually did these days. He’d never follow him all the way to his home. Hinata was grateful of that. However, today was different. Hinata stopped at the red light, turning to look at Kageyama who was now waiting right next to him. “You live on the other side of the river,” Hinata decided to point out quietly as the red switched to green light. He started walking again, hoping that Kageyama got his message. He did. Kageyama turned around to walk home. Inhale. Exhale. Hinata felt relieved.

One week later it was the New Year’s eve. Hinata sat alone on the bridge. But he didn’t feel like jumping down today. Hinata could breathe easier than two months ago. He could breathe easier than three weeks ago. Easier than two days ago. His dad was leaving. Away. Moving out. Divorcing. Abandoning the sinking ship. Maybe it was going to be easier now with just his mother. Maybe it was going to only get worse. But right now, Hinata wanted to enjoy the calm before the storm.

“Hey.”

Hinata was not used to this voice. This was someone completely different. He turned around in wonder, staring at the stranger. This had become part of his life now. He was never going to be alone any more, was he? Hinata sighed quietly. He saw two unlit sparklers in the boy’s hands. He offered Hinata the other one. “You’re Shouyou, right?” he asked. Hinata just nodded and watched as the boy sat next to him, lighting up their sparklers with a lighter. “Kageyama has told us about you,” he continued talking, waving the sparkler in the darkness. Hinata had always liked sparklers. “I’m Nishinoya Yuu.”

Hinata blinked, nodding softly. Nishinoya launched into talking after that. He told that Kageyama had been worried because he couldn’t make it to the bridge early today. “I am a hero, after all,” Noya sniffled and gave Hinata the brightest smile he had ever seen. He kept talking. He told Hinata about his family. How his parents had divorced. How he had fought with Asahi and everything had gone downhill. Hinata thought Nishinoya understood him on some level. He saw Nishinoya bury himself further into the thick scarf. “Do you always sit here?”

“I guess I do,” Hinata murmured quietly, talking for the first time since Nishinoya had appeared. He was easy to talk to. Somewhat easy. Hinata didn’t like talking about himself. He watched as his sparkler slowly died out and the boys were left in darkness. Hinata rubbed his cold hands together and blew warm air into them. “Why won’t you choose a place that is warmer?” Nishinoya suddenly asked with a grin on his face. “You could come watch us practice every now and then. The gym is warm.”

“It’s comforting here,” Hinata simply answered, hiding his nearly frozen hands into the pockets of his coat. Nishinoya did have a point. Some place warmer could be a nice change of pace. But the spring was coming. There was no need to change his location all of a sudden. Besides, he would not exactly be alone in the gym. He could handle one person. Entire volleyball team would be way too much to handle. “Right,” Nishinoya whispered quietly, disappointment dripping from his voice. But few seconds later it was gone. He was grinning from ear to ear. “We all feel a little fucked up sometimes. But it doesn’t mean everything is always bad. Sometimes misfortune brings some good things too,” Nishinoya said, his tone so light Hinata wanted to believe him.

“What good things?” Hinata asked before he was able to stop the words coming out. Something about Noya was extremely addicting. The way Nishinoya saw the world was so different from his. He was... something else. Hinata wanted to cling to his brightness. It was breathtaking. Noya was smirking now and Hinata felt something heavy settle to his chest at Noya’s next words. “You have friends now,” Noya said, like it was the most obvious thing in the entire world. “Kageyama really cares about you.”

They didn’t talk after that. After a while Nishinoya had to head home. He promised to come visit every now and then. He also told him that Kageyama promised to come soon. Hinata didn’t believe Nishinoya. Hinata willed himself not to care either. He didn’t care about these things before; whether he sat alone on the bridge or not. Today was not any different. Inhale. Exhale. Breathing was still easy after Noya had left. It was so odd.

“You’re cold,” Kageyama said dryly. Hinata almost fell from the sudden surprise. He had not expected Kageyama to come at all. Well, he had waited for an hour, maybe two. He watched Kageyama to unwrap his deep blue scarf, wrapping it around Hinata’s neck gently. He then took something out of his pockets. Extra pair of white knitted mittens. Kageyama sat next to Hinata, where Nishinoya had sat two hours before. “Give me your hands,” he commanded. Hinata narrowed his eyes in defiance. He was not sitting here to be babied. Hinata obeyed, oddly enough. He watched as Kageyama slipped the mittens carefully to his freezing hands. Everything he did was always so precise. “You’re welcome.”

“Thanks,” Hinata murmured quietly. He had lost his mittens when he fell into the water. He didn’t have any spares at home. Hinata’s hands started to feel a little bit warmer. Maybe it was the fact that Kageyama hadn’t let go of his hands just yet. “Are you going to make promises for the next year?” Kageyama asked, scooting a little bit closer to Hinata. Hinata thought Kageyama was probably feeling cold without his scarf.

Hinata’s eyebrows knitted together in thought. He had not thought about that, at all. His life had been so full of shit for the past two years that he hadn’t had time to even think about it. He wanted to make a some kind of promise. But he couldn’t figure out the promise just yet. Maybe he needed more time. Except now that he knew that midnight was nearing faster than a bullet train, Hinata couldn’t breathe properly any more. Would he even survive the following year? Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhaleexhaleinhale-

“Hinata. Hold your breath,” Kageyama calmly said, squeezing Hinata’s hands so hard it almost hurt. “Now let it out,” he said and Hinata puffed out steamy air, trying to even out his breathing calmly. Inhale... Exhale. Inhale... Exhale. Kageyama let out a relieved sigh and he relaxed his grip on Hinata’s small hands. “It was just a question, don’t think too hard with that small head of yours, dumbass.”

Hinata laughed softly. Kageyama turned to look at him properly. He didn’t understand. Kageyama looked like had heard the most beautiful voice in the entire world. Hinata just couldn’t understand the look on Kageyama’s face. He thought Kageyama calling him a dumbass was endearing. He couldn’t understand his own thoughts. How could he understand someone else’s? Hinata just shook his head a little, looking at the stars above them. “I am going to make a lot of promises,” Kageyama suddenly said, not taking his eyes away from Hinata. “I will promise to keep coming here until you get tired of it. I promise to try to make you laugh a little bit more. I promise I will make you come by my home one day. I promise to give better tosses in volleyball. I promise that I will walk you all the way home one day. I promise I will be there for you even if no one else will.”

Hinata thought it was the prettiest thing anyone had ever said to him. He turned to look at Kageyama’s sincere eyes and he melted just a little. “I promise I will tell you a little bit more about myself,” Hinata promised quietly as the fireworks went off in the distance.

They both shared a small smile.

 

* * *

 

“I’m going to be taken away,” Hinata said one day. Snow was already melting away and the sun was warmer. Days were also brighter. Jack Frost didn’t bother them any more. He hadn’t talked to Kageyama about his life at all yet, even though he had promised to do so on the New Year. Maybe this was a sign for a new life. A new start. Who knew. Kageyama was listening quietly. Hinata was grateful. “Is it weird to be... happy about something like that?” he asked quietly from Kageyama.

Kageyama didn’t answer for a long time. “I don’t know what your life is like, Hinata,” he answered truthfully, giving him a bit of a pained look. Maybe Kageyama had been waiting all this time for something. Even tiny speck of information about Hinata’s life would have probably been enough. “But if it makes you happy, I will support you,” he said. “Are you... moving out of town?”

Hinata shook his head. “No,” he murmured quietly, poking at the surface of the bridge. “I’m staying here,” Hinata answered, feeling something burn behind his eyes. Maybe it was tears. He felt sad and happy at the same time. Hinata didn’t want to cry in front of Kageyama. He was stronger than that. “I told them I want to spend more time with you,” Hinata said, his broken voice giving him away easily. Something inside of him broke and he just cried. He cried loudly, forgetting he was sitting right next to Kageyama. “I want to play video games with you. I want to know what is so special about volleyball. I want to know what it’s like to fall asleep when someone actually cares whether you will wake up the next morning or not.”

Kageyama carefully wrapped his hands around Hinata’s small body. He held him in place, keeping him grounded to this world. Hinata was stiff against his chest for a long while until he started to relax and calm down. “Do you want to play some video games with me today?” Kageyama asked once Hinata had stopped crying.

“Yeah...”

They left the bridge together, Kageyama holding onto Hinata’s hand. It was as if he was afraid Hinata would just run away. Kageyama did not live far from the bridge, unlike Hinata did. They stopped at the front door and Kageyama was definitely bracing himself for something, Hinata didn’t know what. “Listen... My mother... She can be a little overwhelming. She is really nice though. Dad is cool too, but he’s not home yet,” Kageyama explained quietly as he opened the front door, telling the house he was home and that he brought a friend over.

Hinata was immediately bombarded by Kageyama’s mother. Questions were everywhere. What his name was, where he lived, who his parents were, had he been Kageyama’s friend for long, what Hinata would like to eat, was he hungry, was he thirsty. The questions just kept coming and Hinata nearly bolted out of the door, if it wasn’t for Kageyama’s strong grip on his shoulder. “This is Hinata, the boy I told you about,” Kageyama said, his voice getting a little bit colder. Hinata didn’t know why. Hinata didn’t know many things, but he felt like Kageyama was being... protective of him.

His mother immediately paused her questioning and apologized to Hinata. Kageyama’s mother introduced herself as ‘Ayame’, but begged Hinata to just call her mother. It felt foreign to him, so Hinata decided to stick with Ayame. Kageyama led Hinata to upstairs and closed the door behind them with a relieved sigh. “Overwhelming,” Hinata murmured quietly, looking around in Kageyama’s room. It was warm. Somewhat bare. It had a lot of blue. Somehow that didn’t surprise Hinata at all. “Yeah... You’ll get used to it,” Kageyama said as he booted up his console. “Mario Kart?”

They played for three hours straight without talking too much. Occasionally you could hear insults like ‘Bakageyama’ or ‘Dumbass Hinata’. Hinata loved it. Hinata hoped Kageyama liked it too. He didn’t want the day end at all. But the clock was already eleven in the evening and Kageyama had school in the morning. Hinata watched as Kageyama turned off the TV. He had a sudden urge to fill the silence with something. Anything at all to break the silence. “My sister died a year ago,” he then blurted out and Kageyama froze. Hinata thought it might have been the wrong thing to say all of a sudden. “Terminal cancer. The... medical treatments were really expensive. We had a lot of debts. Mom still has. Things started going just... badly,” Hinata murmured quietly, not really knowing why he was telling Kageyama all this. It hurt him. Why would he try to push his hurt into other people? It was wrong.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kageyama said, sitting on the floor next to Hinata. Hinata acknowledged Kageyama’s words with a tiny nod. “I should probably go home,” Hinata finally sighed after sitting ten solid minutes in the silence. He got up from the floor. “I probably won’t be coming to the bridge tomorrow,” Hinata said and he was sure Kageyama paled just a little. Maybe it was from fear. Kageyama probably thought he’d never see Hinata any more. Like this was some sort of goodbye. “Foster stuff,” Hinata clarified, going for Kageyama’s door. “See you. I guess.”

“Take care,” Kageyama said, opening his mouth as if to say something more, but he didn’t. “See you.”

 

* * *

 

Three weeks later Hinata finally saw Kageyama. Hinata did not expect to get punched the moment Kageyama saw him. It hurt. But it also hurt to see Kageyama crying on top of him. They were both laying on the bridge. Hinata’s cheekbone was aching. Kageyama’s knuckles were probably also aching. “I thought you were dead!” he yelled from the top of his lungs. “It’s been three weeks, Hinata! Three long weeks!” Kageyama yelled, punching the solid bridge under them, next to Hinata’s face.

Hinata wiped at his own face. Kageyama’s tears were staining his face. “It wasn’t my fault,” he said, pushing Kageyama away from him. Hinata touched his cheek and winced just a little. Maybe he deserved it, but it really wasn’t his fault. “The social workers didn’t let me leave even though I explained I was only going to see... a friend. I was... locked in, sort of,” he swallowed thickly, feeling extremely guilty. Kageyama had been genuinely worried about him. “I’m going to start attending school again so that’s good?”

Kageyama gave Hinata some space. Hinata was glad. “Really? At Karasuno?” he tried to confirm from Hinata. Hinata gave Kageyama a small smile. “Yeah,” he answered. Hinata could see how much light started to gather in Kageyama’s eyes as he said it. “But I’m behind a lot. I will probably have to repeat my first year,” Hinata explained, but he didn’t understand why Kageyama was pulling him up from the ground and hugging him like Hinata was the only thing that mattered to him.

“You’re... You’re actually talking like a normal person, dumbass,” Kageyama breathed, hugging Hinata so tightly he could barely breathe. Hinata wanted to laugh. He really did. It was starting to bubble in his stomach. Hinata hugged Kageyama back, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Kageyama had this great scent on him. It was calming. “I’m seeing this one old man every day for an hour,” Hinata explained, hoping Kageyama would hear him even if he mumbled against his school jacket. “It really helps.”

Kageyama sighed quietly, burying his nose into Hinata’s orange hair. “You fucking dumbass,” he groaned, still probably not over the fact that Hinata Shouyou wasn’t dead after all. Hinata squeezed Kageyama a little bit harder, just to make his point message clear. “I’m not going anywhere,” Hinata whispered.

“Me neither,” Kageyama answered and they both stayed like that until it was time to go home.

 

* * *

 

Sugawara came to Hinata one day. “Do you want to join our club?”

“I don’t know how to play.”

“We’ll teach you.”

Hinata ended up joining the volleyball club within the week his school had started. He was not allowed to participate in matches until his grades were going up. Suga and Daichi taught him how to receive spikes. Nishinoya taught him how he should never give up on the ball. He also taught him how to do ‘The Rolling Thunder’. Kageyama taught Hinata how to not majorly fuck up by serving into someone’s head. Asahi taught Hinata how to spike better. Tsukishima was a dick, but he gave him hints on how to make his blocks more efficient. Yamaguchi was like a brother to Hinata. They both screwed up more than one time during the practice. Tanaka gave Hinata brotherly advice on how to approach girls. Hinata decided not to take his advice.

Three months flew by so quickly that Hinata didn’t even realize it was time for the summer break. Hinata was getting better at school, thanks to his friends. He smiled as he walked his bicycle back towards the foster home. Yes, he had friends now. Hinata squeezed the handle bars a little bit tighter. He walked over the bridge, stopping on the spot he had spent so many hours on sitting and staring into the blackness. Hinata placed his bike to lean against the railing and decided sit on the railing. Just for a little while.

“You’re not going to fall down, are you?”

Kageyama sat next to him with an ice cream on his hand. He took a small bite and just stared at Hinata. When Hinata didn’t answer, Kageyama flicked his forehead. “Hey, dumbass, I was talking to you,” Kageyama huffed, taking another bite of his ice cream. Hinata still didn’t answer. He needed some time to think and Kageyama was not helping with his insistence right now. When Kageyama had finished his ice cream, Hinata finally spoke.

“Thank you for not letting me die,” Hinata said softly, flashing a bright smile at Kageyama. He was actually very, very grateful of that. Thanks to Kageyama, he had seen a different side of life. A life where he had friends. A life where there were people who cared about him. “I’m so grateful that I could-”

Kageyama kissed him. Kageyama Tobio was kissing him so softly Hinata was going to melt into the river. He steadied himself by grabbing a hold of Kageyama’s knee and shoulder. The water was gently flowing under them, just like their lives were gently flowing forwards. Hinata Shouyou had fallen in love with Kageyama Tobio. And Kageyama Tobio had fallen in love with Hinata Shouyou. The kiss was way too short for Hinata’s liking, but seeing the blush on Kageyama’s face was definitely worth pulling back to breathe. “Kiss me again?” Hinata asked quietly, not wanting the moment to be over just yet.

He kissed him again. Kageyama kissed Hinata again, just like he had asked.

The bridge wasn’t the scary monster that had nearly taken Hinata away from Kageyama any more. It was the place where Hinata had gained a new life. It was the place that taught everyone something important.

_“We all feel a little fucked up sometimes. But it doesn’t mean everything is always bad. Sometimes misfortune brings some good things too.”_

The water was clear now.


End file.
